dr. jerry waldman

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Episode 23 – Tag Team in Space – It’s Happy Hour!

Published December 29, 2012 by jnaomiay

“Let’s go get some coffee.”  We emerged from the underground conduits to arrive once again into the synthetic daylight of the Martian space station. Overhead, bright incandescent spots shown down from a fake red sky, their filtered light simulating approximately 5:00PM.

 “Happy hour!” Marshall declared quickly joining the crowd of travelers determined to spend their down time in a bar.  “This place gives you a whole plate of those little bacon wrapped wienies for only two credits as long as you buy at least one pitcher.  The first dancer comes on at 6.  You should get a look at her.  If you do nothing else on Mars, boys, you must see Marla, the Andorian.  When she gets those three giant knockers swinging…”

 “I’m good with that,” Derrick interrupted and followed Marshall.

 “I’m going for coffee,” I announced again loudly.  If they wanted my help, they were going to have to get it on my terms.  I liked those bacon wrapped wienies as much as the next guy and I certainly wasn’t averse to watching a triple-breasted Andorian stripper dance but if the future of the whole Earth was at stake then we needed to get to work, not reserve prime seats for the next show.

 “I want Marla,” the little Martian announced. 

 “No way.  You’re too young.  You were just born like what, four hours ago?”  Derrick turned his back on Fogweet as Marshall paused and gazed at the wall where a huge vid flashed pics of Marla in her various poses.  I considered trying to cover Fogweet’s enormous eyes with my hands but I was too busy covering my own.

 “Martians age quite rapidly.  Fogweet is a teenager now, roughly equivalent to a sixteen year old boy.  Come on, buddy.  I’ll take you into Starbucks and buy you a cherry mocha frappucino with extra whip and sprinkles.”

 “Can I have a whoopie pie too, Uncle Jerry?” the little dude asked, his voice cracking.

 “Sure.”

 “And two large fries from the Golden Arches next door? And a megamundo burrito with eighteen layers? And a bucket of original recipe fried chicken? And …”  I grabbed the Martian’s skinny arm and dragged him into the coffee shop.  Reluctantly, Derrick and Marshall followed. After we got our drinks and some food, we settled at one of those teeny round tables next to the simulated fireplace.

 “Okay Derrick,” I announced though I kept my voice really low so the other patrons wouldn’t hear.  I didn’t really know who or what we were dealing with.  The enemy could be any one, even that fat green doubled headed Beckwad two tables over.  With his extra head, his hearing was practically surround sound.  “This first thing I need you to do is get your C.O.  to contact Spaceforce Command and put me on special assignment.  The Earth is as important to me as the next guy but so is my career.”

 “What?” Derrick asked.

 “I didn’t catch that,” Marshall yelled.  “Are you whispering?”

 “Yes, I’m whispering,” I whispered.

 “What?” Derrick asked again.

 “Why are you whispering in here?  You know, I could really use some whiskey in this coffee.”  Marshall stood up.   “I think I’ll go next door and have them add it.  They don’t have whiskey here in Starbucks, do they?”  Marshall walked off as I leaned over and repeated my request in Derrick’s ear.  Fogweet had finished his drink and jumped up too while explaining he was off to get egg rolls from the Lucky Wok two doors down.  From the corner of my eye, I saw him follow Marshall into the strip joint instead.

 “Ok Jerry,” Derrick agreed pulling out his cell.  “I’ll get my boss right on it.”

 “Thanks.  Now Derrick, I need to know everything.”  Derrick cradled his cup in his hands and composed his thoughts.  He nodded his head slowly.

 “Alright.  It all started about four months ago,” he began.

 “Dr. Waldman?  I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to interrupt but aren’t you Dr. Waldman from the Discovery?”

 With a bit of annoyance, I tore my eyes away from Derrick to look at the girl who was now standing by my side. For a moment, I couldn’t breathe.  Here I was an absolute wreck, stinking, filthy dirty, my uniform not fit to be a wash rag while sitting with a guy equally disastrous, my only comfort being that no one knew me here.  Now, out of nowhere, The Girl appeared.  The Girl had golden blonde curls and deep blue eyes and her own ensign’s uniform was absolute perfection.  We had met on a spaceplane last year, sharing a row of too small seats and since that fateful moment, The Girl, This Girl had consumed my thoughts.

 “Uh Jerry?” Derrick cleared his throat.

 “Derrick,” I coughed. “Um…let me introduce Special Agent Derrick Thomas…Ensign Katie Golden, Spaceforce Academy Graduate of the Year.”

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Tag Team in Space continues – Episode 21 – One man’s top secret microchip, another man’s candy

Published December 13, 2012 by jnaomiay

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“Ah, Derrick,” I sighed.  “You sure made a mess of yourself.  Sit down and let me try to patch you up.  Fogweet, go stand over there, little dude.  Maybe you’ll find another one of those pretty lights.”

“Okay Uncle Jerry.”  Fogweet backed away while glancing cautiously at Derrick.  “Man have big owie.”

“Yes, he does, buddy.”  I extracted some anti-septic and sealant from my kit.  “But we’ll fix him up.  Is that an ice cream cone I see down that way?”

“Where?” Fogweet squealed and bolted across the conduit as I swabbed at the tooth marks in Derrick’s arm.

“Well Derrick, I guess you weren’t very tasty.  I’ll put on some sealant and then, I’m going to wrap you up in this bandage.  When you get home, go check in with your family doctor.  You may need some reconstructive work.”

“Thanks Doc.”  Derrick leaned heavily against the wall and let out a long breath.  “I think it’s going to be a while until I get home though.”

“Not too long, I hope,” I replied finishing up and repacking my bag.  “There’s a possibility this guy was caring Martian Rabies.  I’m thinking you should probably start the series of twenty-seven shots just in case.”

“Rabies?”  Derrick choked and his eyes grew wide.  “I can handle knives and guns, Doc, but shots make me faint.  Twenty-seven of them will probably kill me dead.”

“Me too,” Officer Marshall agreed and swiped at his sweaty neck.  “I’m glad that guy didn’t make my arm his lunch.  Hey Doc, any chance you’ve got some more of that rubbing alcohol in your bag?”

“Sorry.  Listen Derrick, I’ve really got to catch the next flight out.  If I don’t make it to the ship by tomorrow, I’ll be AWOL and I don’t even want to think about what that will mean for my career.  I’m going to head back upstairs and I suggest you do too.  If you start to have hallucinations or feel dizzy get yourself to a medic quickly and start those shots.  Okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure Doc.”  Derrick kneaded his own sweaty forehead.  “You sure you don’t want to hang around here a little longer and keep an eye on me yourself?  I mean, you know better than me and Marshall what Martian Rabies look like.”

“Sorry,” I said again and handed Derrick a prescription for antibiotics and pain killers.  “I’ll be at the gate for a little while.  I think the next flight isn’t for another hour or so.  Ring or text me if you get worried but chances are he wasn’t rabid.  He didn’t drool or have really bad breath, did he?”

“Bad breath?” Derrick squeaked.

“Probably nothing,” I reiterated.  “My cell number is on that script.  Call me if you need me.”

“Is this in English?  I can’t read anything here.  Do they purposely teach you how to write unintelligibly in med school?” Derrick mumbled when suddenly, Fogweet came running up the conduit.

“Uncle Jerry!  No ice cream cones down there but Fogweet find something else!”

“What is it, little buddy?” I asked as he jumped around, his luminescent head excitedly pulsing yellow light and reflecting off the dark walls of the shaft.

“Fogweet find candy!”  He held out his hand to display a tiny gold square and was just about to pop it in his mouth when Derrick launched himself at it.  “Mine!” Fogweet roared and flashed his dozens of tiny sharp teeth.

“Give it to me!” Derrick screamed.  “That’s a chip, you idiot, not candy!”

“Mine,” Fogweet declared again and swallowed the chip.  “Yummy.”

“Uh oh,” Officer Marshall mumbled.  “I’m not going to hang around to watch it come out the other end.”

“Give it back!”  Derrick wrapped his arms around Fogweet’s tiny neck causing the Martian’s big head to lob from side to side.  “Either spit it out or Uncle Jerry is going to cut it out.  Get your scalpel ready, Doc.”

“Nuh uh,” Fogweet growled and his head started to glow red hot.  “My candy, right Uncle Jerry?”

“Hey, keep me out of this.  One man’s top secret microchip is another man’s candy.”  I swung my kit over my shoulder and headed toward the stairs.  “Don’t be a stranger, Derrick.  Email me some time.”

“Fogweet live with Uncle Jerry!” the Martian let out a plaintive cry and wrestled away from Derrick.  He barreled down the conduit and leaped on my back, once again threading his sticky fingers through my hair.

“Get back here you little Big Head!” Derrick raged racing after us.  “Stop!”  A moment later, I found myself once again on the floor, flattened beneath Fogweet and Derrick.  While they wrestled above me, Marshall nervously paced the tiny corridor, his hands trembling from lack of nicotine.

“I’m going to miss the last flight out tonight, aren’t I?” I asked no one in particular, my head jammed against the cement.

“Looks that way, Doc,” Marshall replied.  “You sure you don’t have anything else in your bag I can drink?  Maybe one of those tiny little hotel bottles of gin?  Whiskey?  Vodka?  Light beer?”

Tag Team in Space – Episode 14 – Jerry

Published October 25, 2012 by jnaomiay

I walked around the building.  It seemed like I trekked for miles until I found a service door that let me into a utility closet.  My ankle hurt, my ribs ached and I had broken a bunch of fingernails.  My uniform was filthy, my hair a mess and besides all that, I really needed a shower.  I hoped to find an Insta-cube where I could be quickly cleaned if I had time still remaining before my flight.  It would cost twenty-five dollars but if wanted to stay in the Force, I would need to look presentable before I arrived.

“Hey,” a guy said as I limped up beside him at the desk where he sat watching the station’s electrical connections.  “You’re not authorized to be in here.”

“You’re telling me,” I sighed.  “Just show me the way out preferably in the direction of the United SpaceLines terminal.”  He pointed at a door that led up to a stair that I climbed with my last bit of energy.  I emerged in a foyer that opened to a gate that led to the security screening area.  “I’m here at last,” I breathed getting into the queue though a woman glared down her nose at me.  She turned to her companion and whispered so I could hear, “It’s a shame what Spaceforce is coming to.”

I thought about telling her off, describing everything I’d been through from getting stuck in the lift with that strange dude Derrick.  I could even show her pictures I had taken on my iPhone 8 of Fogwat and his brood of new Fogweets.  I could describe in great detail my hike across the Martian plain and pounding on every door beneath the airdome but my flight was due to depart in twenty-minutes and if I didn’t hurry, I’d miss my next connection on Altaris III.

I was almost through the screening, standing patiently through my pat-down as there was no way I’d walk through that radioactive scanner.

“I’m just going to touch you right here,” the screener said.  “Nothing personal, it’s just my job.  Do you have anything in your pants besides your…uhem?”

“I hope not,” I replied.  “Last I checked, it was just me.”  Come to think of it, something in there was feeling quite strange.

“We’ll have to go in back,” the screener said.  “You’ve definitely got something moving that shouldn’t be.  You need to remove your pants and let me see.”  If this day could get any worse, I surely didn’t believe and now I was down to fifteen minutes before my flight.  I went in the private back room and removed my shirt and pants to discover I had indeed picked up a stow-away.  It was one of the Fogweets who popped out of my boxer short.

“Hi Uncle Jerry,” he called.  “I’m living with you!”

 

Tag Team in Space…Jerry continued…

Published September 24, 2012 by jnaomiay

Previous episode here: http://ahmaddarkside.blogspot.com/2012/09/tag-team-in-space-episode-6.html

“Listen…uh…dude,” I said delicately removing his hand from my chest.  “This is a stressful situation for both of us so I suggest you just calm down and we can both work together.  I’ve got a torch right here in my kit.”  Slowly, I leaned down and opened my bag.  I could smell the alcohol on Derrick’s breath and the way he was jumping around, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had imbibed in other intoxicants too.  “See,” I said now shining my torch and illuminating the empty tube.  “I’m a Spaceforce officer and an Eagle Scout.  I’m always prepared.  Semper Paratus, hoorah, hoorah.”

“Seriously?”  Derrick muttered.  “Hoorah?”

“I suggest we go this way.”  I waved my torch in the direction Fogwat had disappeared and then clambered off across the tube.  A rat scampered through the light chasing some other creature that looked like a cross between a worm and a bird.  The creature shrieked as it was caught and the rat squeaked victoriously, adding to the already delightful ambience of our current environ.  It was incredibly hot and my glasses kept fogging and slipping down my nose as the sweat drizzled from my forehead.  My uniform shirt was not only doused in blue fluid but the armpits were so sweat stained they’d never again come clean.  “A few years ago during my internship aboard the SS Columbia, I had to shuttle down to Talas VI after a major electrical storm had wiped out half of that planet’s services.  Anyway, there were casualties stuck in this High-rise where all the lifts had gone out so the nurse and I had to climb up the stairwell about a hundred and twenty floors hauling all our gear and everything.  I was in better shape back then because I had just graduated school and was working out every day.  I could run 5 miles and bench press about a 100lbs but since I’ve been in space, I’ve been so busy, I barely have time to even walk to the Rec Deck.  Anyway, the nurse and I were climbing when she started talking about her ex-boyfriend who…”

“Can you shut the fuck up!” Derrick screamed.

I shut up quickly.  If he had been imbibing as I suspected, there was no telling what he would do.  We continued walking in silence for about twenty minutes more when suddenly a bright blue light shown from the tunnel ahead.

“What’s that?” Derrick muttered as I switched off my torch to preserve the battery.  The locker room stench became overwhelming.

“Human friends!” Fogwat squealed, except it wasn’t just Fogwat.  He was standing there with about sixty of his brothers and an ever bigger Big Head was waiting for us with an outstretched hand.

“Give it to me,” Big Big Head demanded.

“Uh…what?”   I looked to Derrick.

“The micrometer chip,” Big Big Head roared.

“Chip?” I repeated as a whole bunch of big heads tackled me, getting me all slimey now on top of everything else.   “Uh…help…Derrick?”

 

Tag Team in Space continues here: http://ahmaddarkside.blogspot.com/2012/09/tag-team-in-space-episode-8.html