Today, I’ve had to convene an emergency meeting. Everyone is assembled in my private meeting room on the top floor of the ever so swanky SdK Tower.
Thad: Are we ready, Naomi?
Naomi: Yes, dear. Go ahead and get everyone’s attention.
Thad raps the highly polished Brazilian Mahogany table with his gavel.
Naomi: That’s enough, Thad. You don’t need to put a hole in it.
Thad: Sorry, Naomi. Hey, everybody, can we come to order? We’ve got some urgent business to discuss.
Katie: Tell him to put out that cigarette. I can’t stand all this second hand smoke blowing in my face.
Jerry: Um, Ron? You know, you’re not allowed to smoke indoors in this state?
Senya: Fuck off, Jerry.
Jerry: Hey! I was only trying to help.
Katie: Leave Jerry alone. Naomi! Will you do something about him?
Naomi: No. He can do whatever he wants. He is the only reason the rest of you are employed. Now, Thad, let’s discuss why we are here today.
Senya smirks. Katie picks at her cuticles. Thad clears his throat.
Thad: It has come to our attention that all of the books produced are seriously deficient in commas.
Berkan: Are you serious? All of them?
Berkan: What about mine? The paperbacks? The expanded distribution? The ones released through Smashwords?
Thad: Everything, Berk. We’re going to have to do a major recall.
Berkan: Ah, crap.
Jerry: What about other punctuation marks? Are we deficient there too?
Thad looks at his report, shuffling through the pages.
Thad: No. We’re good on overall word count. Periods are fine. We’ve got enough exclamation points and question marks. Quotes are okay. It looks to me like it’s just commas. We’ve had some issues with dropping articles before nouns, but Naomi and I are dealing with that already.
Katie: So cut to the chase. What are we doing about it?
Thad: I suggested, we have Naomi write in another Red Shirt. We can say he’s stolen the Empire’s entire supply of commas, and then we can have Ron kill him in order to get them back.
Senya: That’s okay with me.
Naomi: No! We deliver a quality product here. I won’t have our books deficient in anything. We’re going to add commas wherever they are needed and then we’re going to reissue each addition.
Katie: All 19 of them? I can’t. Luci and I have spa appointments scheduled for this afternoon. We’re having facials and seaweed wraps.
Senya: It won’t help.
Katie: (hissing) Dickhead.
Naomi: Stop it! Everybody is going to work on this. I want commas everywhere as quickly as possible. What’s the schedule, Thad?
Thad: Book 8, The Choice has just been repaired and is uploading now. Book 5, The Days of the Golden Moons was repaired on Friday and has already been reissued. Um, Naomi? Do you want to talk about Book 7, Metamorphosis?
Naomi: Yes, thank you, Thad. Katie, sit back down right now. This concerns you. In addition to the negligent lack of commas in Metamorphosis, the book has garnered a poor rating. It is the first and only book of ours to do so.
Jerry: That’s because you killed Caroline. Everybody loved Caroline.
Katie: No, it’s because we brought in your geek, twin, dickhead, cousin, Michael Silverman.
Senya: (breathing out a cloud of smoke) Naomi, may I kill her?
Naomi: Stop it! You are all turning me gray. The reviewers say it’s because of you, Katie.
Katie: Me? Seriously?
Naomi: Unfortunately, you’ve grown a bit tiresome.
Senya: Did I not say that a long time ago?
Katie: Shut up! That was a difficult time for me. None of you understand what it’s like being a woman my age.
Jerry: Thank God.
Naomi: Regardless, there is something inherently lacking in Metamorphosis and I want to get to the bottom of this and figure it out. We may need to do a complete rewrite.
Katie: No! I can’t. Wait. Would I get overtime pay?
Naomi: We’ll see. Was there anything else on the agenda, Thad?
Thad: Nope. I think that’s it. We do need to make all of the customers aware that if they want, they can request an updated version of each book directly from Amazon. We won’t even charge them more for the extra commas.
Naomi: Thanks, Thad. One more thing while you are speaking to the customers, remind everyone that The Boy who Lit up the Sky is still on sale for only 99 cents and it has all the commas it needs.